4 weeks left

It is about 4 weeks from when I will begin traveling overseas...to live among the people of Central Asia once again. More than 10 or so hours will again separate me from you, your waking from my sleeping times. I have waited and prayed for this time. And as I begin to prepare to go; purchasing plane tickets, continuing to trust God for the remaining amount of my medical expenses for next year, etc...I have mixed emotions as always. ESTATIC...that I am again 'well enough' to be far out of my oncologists' reach and sad for the new community here in Chico that I will be leaving. In my last 12 years of living abroad, I have lived in MANY a community and have never (with the exception of one) felt as connected to a community as I do here in Chico.

Although this is the life I have chosen...or has chosen me.

As I head out to Turkey to meet up with a team of people waiting to meet me, I wonder what the next year...let alone several, have in store for me. The region seems to be a bit of a political mess, troops soaring in Afghanistan, constant wonderings if this cancer will return once again. So many uncertainties. So much to worry about.

But even with all these uncertain steps, both in my future and in the regions of that continent...I continue to be grateful for just another day. For the beautiful fall. As I met with another very young lymphoma survivor today, we both commented how much we love the fall,...and jumping in the leaves. Did you ever do that as a kid? I sure did. :)

Thus in the midst of great uncertainties in my life and in our world, which I'm sure will only grow over the years...I AM certain of some things that I have learned over these past several years. To live life slower. To laugh often. To remember to let God lead my heart daily. To listen for His voice always. To leave my bed unmade every so often :)...and to sleep more. To feel, not just process, life...whatever it holds.

And I'm sure in the future when I look back...even with all it's hardships, life will be beautiful...just like the last 2 years. :)

the 3 Day walk

sometimes pictures are just better than words. here's to the girls that walked by my side and those that helped me get there. you rock!



ps. ALL of my scans today were CLEAR!!!

the night before

it's the night before my scheduled scans; a mammogram and an ultrasound. normal scheduled test. they aren't looking for anything nor are they concerned. but here i am at 12:08am at night...thinking about tomorrow. i can't say that i'm worried or scared. but I do think back to almost 2 years ago when these same tests brought about a change of course in my life that never returned me to that previous life.

so now, i guess, i wonder about the course ahead of tomorrow. my afternoon could go as planned in my mind, or spin off in another direction once again. i suppose we never know that course...and are even less sure of it when faced with a life threatening disease or sudden death of a loved one. in an instant, life can change. it always can...for any one of us, at any time. but for some of us, that statement feels a bit more real.

so, here's practice in letting life sit on open hands,...not on ones clenched to things and plans that aren't really ours to begin with. that's not easy, and i think i'll spend the rest of my life (hopefully) practicing it....but it is how to live life with the most grace and joy when we are able to see less and less of the future.

so, i think i'll just go to bed... being thankful for a great past weekend where i walked 60 miles with 5 friends to raise money and awareness for a cure for breast cancer....and thankful for how far i've come in those 2 years since being diagnosed myself.

God has been so very good to me in these past years....and I'm sure that will continue now matter what the future holds.

A birthday and a future

It was on my birthday several years ago...i remember having a conversation with one of my housemates in the hallway of our house in Kabul. She was soon to turn 39, I was turning 35. How old that sounded to me then.

How young it sounds to me now. I have since celebrated 2 birthdays and have just turned 37. WHERE does the time go?? Even through years of sickness and cancer, the time STILL flies by!

Birthday's now have a whole new meaning to them. I GET to celebrate them...hopefully every year. So, never again will I complain about getting older. Or if I do you can slap me :)!! There are many I know that no longer get to celebrate more birthdays.

And as Lisa and I, and the rest of team tamana, head out in 2 days on Thursday to walk in the 3Day walk....even if I can't get through every mile and have to rest more than I anticipated b/c of my hip pain, that is one thing that I have to be grateful for...being alive to even be in that walk!

So, here to you...Lisa, Christina, Beth, and Courtney, and Bethany, Amy and Lisa, and Erica...and so many more I could list here!! May we all GET to walk into a future without cancer.

Then and Now

Then....after chemo, during radiation. (gotta love my gray hair...)

Fall is coming, the nights are cooler. Change is in the air as well as in emails that I'm writing. More emails traveling across the ocean to correspond with teammate and supervisors as I hope to push out of America early winter 2010. As I head into another fall in America...it is hard to contemplate all that has passed these several months let alone the last several years. As I begin to plan to leave; raising the additional 8,000 for medical deductibles/out of pocket expenses before insurance kicks in and talking more with people about the future...I also am ever reminded to hold it all with an open hand. Just as my life instantly changed when I left for Dubai, not even yet diagnosed with cancer, I know that the path of life in itself can have amazing twists and turns. So, I am learning to gently hold my plans and dreams knowing that only GOD knows the steps of my journey even though I try to prepare for every conceivable event.

Recently I had an MRI to check for spread of the cancer or a stress fracture. I'm sure you know which one I was voting for! After a week of waiting, an MRI (the easy part) and several more days of waiting...the results came back CLEAR for cancer. YAY! It was a HUGE relief as I seriously expected to hear those words again, as the pain in my hip had increased much over the last year. So, I was OH so happy to leave with a diagnosis of bursitis of my hip. And although it still hurts...I don't think I have ever been so happy with a swollen hip! HA! I will also soon be having a uterine biopsy to check for abnormalities and/or cancer (potentially caused by one of the meds to decrease my chance for a relapse with breast cancer). Because of my situation, I will be having this under general so that they will be able to do much more than if I was awake...which is FINE with me :). I have to admit I'm not looking forward to another procedure...and less to having to wait for the results. BUT...I have to say that I am most appreciative and grateful for the team of doctors that I have around me here. I CAN'T imagine being anywhere else. The doctors and health care team that surround me are what I would wish for for my dearest friend or family member in my situation.

SO....these days, besides trying to raise my support, you'll find me pounding the pavement to raise money for the 3 Day, 60 mile walk I and my sister are participating in. With every step, with every mile, with every hurting muscle...we are slowly healing, and I am being restored. Body, mind and spirit.

Now...what a difference a year makes.

Thank you my FANTASTIC L.A. people!

S O M E
OF THE
F A N T A S T I C
L. A. P E O P L E!!

I am back in Chico (northern Ca) and summer has officially arrived. Hot afternoons. Summer markets. Shaved ice. And summer tans! Since coming back from visiting many of you in the Los Angeles area...I have enjoyed an American summer from hot dogs and fireworks to summer tans and long walks in the park for the first time in about 10 years. It has been beautiful...all of it.

I am grateful for the new friends that I am meeting here in Chico...though I miss so many of you that I have long befriended in Los Angeles area. And though I wanted to stay longer, scans and developing relationships here beaconed me back. Your faces, that speckle this post, continue to run through my mind of my time there. Reminders of picnics and bible studies, church camp outs and girls night out. Deep conversations over the value of life, kids events and everyday life in Afghanistan that you have become acquainted with from afar. Pictures of your faces splash across my mind...and I am reminded that I am blessed to know so many people that are committed not only to each other, their community and church, but to those in Afghanistan that are waiting to experience peace and an education for the first time in their lives.

Thank you to each of you for reaching out to me over these past 10 years, and through me hundreds of people in so many countries,...you have been so faithful over the years.

I pray that God returns that to you in an unexpected way this year and the years to come. Much love and a HUGE hug to you!
((((((((((((((((((((((( YOU )))))))))))))))))))))) (your hug!)

Fabulous Journey...between scans

It is the day after. The day after I found out that my last MRI scan was clean for cancer. I continue to 'dance with NED (no evidence of disease)', as they say in the cancer world. It was a feeling I can't describe. Waiting, waiting, waiting to seemingly hear a result plan the rest of your life. You wonder, you think of every possible outcome and try to come up with a 'plan of action' so that you can somehow handle what might be told to you.

Then the day comes and you hear the voice. The surgeon calling... "scans looked fabulous". There is no evidence of cancer. You're clear for 6 more months. A huge relief...again. Then my mind turns, in the same thought, to those that I know that might not have 6 months to live. Such a dichotomy...this gift of life.

How can I describe this feeling; It's like I can inhale a bit deeper every time I receive these positive words. It's like what I used to feel like when I heard about a kidnapping in Afghanistan and then found out it wasn't one of my own team members...only to experience sadness for the team members that it did affect.

Celebrating what is today seems to remedy it all in my heart. Celebrating the gift that God has given me in today, for me...and for them. So, there were festivities that day. A day at the market, shaved ice, and a toast. The sky is still beautiful and there exists at least 4 shades of green these days on every street. Thus continues this fabulous journey we are on. I think I will take scans every 6 months...to experience life in High Definition :).


Lisa and I toasting to another F A B U L O U S scan!

The club

Last weekend, the end of May, I went to a retreat. Not an ordinary gathering of people...but an in-ordinary gathering of a group of 9 young women who have all been through breast cancer. Some had just turned 21 and others were in their young 30's. The specifics of the weekend are numerous but one of the things which stands out in my time with all of them is a deep understanding of one another. Just like when I am with other fellow over seas workers....being with people that have been through the trauma's of the last year a half... was a gift.

A gift beyond measure.



So, beyond some grand naps and re-revelations at the importance of rest IN my day as well as at the END of it....I made some friends that taught me a little bit more about this 'club' that I never wanted to join. The cancer club. And though I hope to NEVER walk back into treatment, there is a reality that my life has forever been changed by this experience; possibly having no children, always the chance of relapse, etc. Just knowing that these and others are out there that understand all of this and more...makes me feel a bit more sane, a bit more 'normal' in my own crazy world. :)

May God bring His healing and peace to each of their lives and give us a greater joy to shadow over any lingering grief. I can not imagine my life without the lessons and friends that have graced these past unexpected years.

Who would have EVER guessed?

High FIVE to life!

Last year she dragged me to the track lined with booths of sponsors and luminaries in honor or memory of those that have been taken by cancer. As we walked that survivor lap, she wept. I didn't understand her journey, though I wanted to walk next to her as she experienced even her darkest hour as she watched her twin through cancer treatment.

This year I dragged her. The event, Relay for Life. So at 10:15 am on April 25th, my sister, another friend who was my chemo singing buddy, and I walked around that track to 'high five' life itself. And to say to cancer...we're still here and still walking. So until a cure is found...we'll walk that track.

At the end of the event...I was the one weeping. Grieving for the lives that cancer has taken and those that are the throws of battling it now. Courtney, Bethany, Lisa, Jim, Sandy...and so many others. But to bring joy into my day today, God let my path cross with a teenager (an infant 14 years ago) that I took care of 14 years ago and his mom. Although all of his treatments have taken a toll on his little body, he is doing well now and fully enjoying life! He had less then a 5% chance of surviving...and is a walking example that research pays off and that God hears our many prayers.

High five to life!


Only those who will risk going too far can possible find out how far one can go. --T.S. Eliot

Behind each headline: Her face

Spending time with her family before I left for America for treatment. (she is not pictured)

She is the girl that I often write about. Her face reminds me of the word kindness. She is my closest Afghan friend and one whom I have thanked God for countless times over the last 7 years. She is one whom I have cried with, laughed with, and wept with as I left her side for an unknown future when I was diagnosed a year ago. She is also the one that often hopes for me about what kind of man I should marry...only wanting the best for her friend. She laughs when I say something wrong in her language and corrects me kindly just to make sure I say it right the next time. And she is the one that I share my hopes and dreams with...even though we share a different faith and celebrate different holidays. Through the years she has always been there and has been one of, if not the only, constant friend in my life since I arrived into Afghanistan.

So on the days when the western headlines of suicide bombings, kidnappings, and rumors of troop increases and war seem even too close for me...I remember that behind each headline is a face. Her face. On days like those, I am especially grateful for her. For she reminds me that despite all that seems to go wrong in her world...that there is still yet hope for her and her country. She is not a cause, nor a campaign,....she is my friend. And one that I love very much.

So in my prayers tonight, I remember her face and ask God for his best blessings and deepest presence to be showered on and felt by a girl who seems so very far away right now.

the SEA of PINK moved and BREATHED

I just returned from a 3 day weekend where I gathered with around 900 young survivors breast cancer. The days were full of seminars, plenary sessions and exhibitions from the top cancer centers in the US. During, in between, and after sessions....hundreds upon hundreds of us gathered together. In small groups. Large ones. Went out to lunch and went out to dance. I met women, who mostly were in their 20's and 30's, who shared similiar stories to that of my own journey with this disease. And in these times...I found a sisterhood that filled that part of me that felt so alone in what I have experienced.

And in their faces....the sea of PINK moved and breathed. The pink ribbon that often so many people wear...took on countless faces, held dreams and hopes for the next year, hoped to marry, and prayed to mother their young children long into the future. There were so many that still are fighting to beat breast cancer...and those that cancer seemed to be a memory. Although in most I sensed a deep value in life itself. For the little moments that really matter in this life.

So although I came home being sick...I was so glad for the opportunity to meet so many. Just to be around those that have had to face death...and won. And it has inspired me even more to help to find a cure. To find a cure so my sister doesn't ever have to join that club that none of us at that conference wanted to join.

SO...this October my sister and I, with a small team of others, will be participating in the Susan G Komen 3 day, 60 mile walk. All proceeds go towards finding a cure for this disease that could have, and perhaps oneday, taken my life. I am to raise a specific amount of money. If you can....drop a penny or so to donate towards decreasing the number of faces in that sea of pink.

Click this link to join our team, check out our progress, or make a donation! http://www.the3day.org, then under the donate button you can search for a participant (stacy graupmann and lisa mclaughlin). Find us and our team; Stacy's team!

meeting a new friend at the conference who lives in my state!

honoring those that have passed away this year. they are some of the 40,000 that die each year b/c of this disease.

....and even though life can be heavy, it is meant to be celebrated. every minute of it!

proceeding with peace

It is almost 1 am and I am hardly sleeply at all. Granted I SHOULD be in bed...but my mind still spins. It's been almost a week and I CAN'T believe I didn't update you all sooner. To cut to the chase...my scan came back NEGATIVE for mets (metastasis)!!! Up until that day, February 16th, I was a bit of a wreck. Wondering if I was on the brink of hearing of another HUGE life change. Laying awake at night pondering...IF I had mets than how long would I have to live? Could I return back to Afghanistan? Lots of crazy thoughts went through my head as I felt as if I were on the edge of a cliff and I could just FEEL the breeze picking up and possibly throwing me over the edge... AGAIN!

I had never felt that anxious except before I was originally diagnosed. And I didn't plan to be side-swiped. So, I planned to expect the worst(cancer) but pray for the best(no cancer). I remember that fateful day I was diagnosed in 2007...and wondered if I could EVER catch my breath again and...live. I feel that just before this scan was ordered,...I was to that point, emotionally. I couldn't imagine being devastated again.

But my worst fears proved wrong. And I spent these weeks in anguish, really....for nothing. How I wish that I could live those weeks over again, letting God remind me and then remind me again that my worries can't change anything and only steal whatever moments I have left on this earth to live.

SO....now, with this scan down and no other scan in sight until August of this year I am looking forward to living. Living as if I never had cancer...well, almost. At least squeezing every bit of life out of each heartbeat :).

Thank you each for your prayers...I don't want to even imagine this life without your friendships. You continue to teach me much.

the 'W A I T' room

It's Friday evening and this morning found me on a cold, hard table being scanned for potential metastasis of cancer. When I think of thoughts like this, I feel like I'm thinking about someone else's life. It's still seems surreal to me sometimes.

Saturday and Sunday stands like a valley between now and the day I will be read the results of the scan Monday morning.

When I think of this...I am reminded of something someone said to me this last year. They said that even though I had cancer during my birthday/September in 2007 or earlier that fall...I didn't even know it. I was happy, enjoying life, thinking about new possible travels to another part of southern Afghanistan. I HAD CANCER...but didn't know it. Once I was diagnosed...everything changed, except for the fact that I STILL had cancer. Just my knowing changed, which then changed everything else.

I think this thought process helps me as I wait. Whatever I have, or do not have...I've had. Nothing will change over the weekend. Nothing changes as I wait, as I worry. So as I wait in this waiting room of this weekend, and really my whole life, I hope to enjoy the magazines, chat with new friends I meet there, and enjoy what IS instead of what COULD never be.
my birthday celebration with friends, right before i was diagnosed.

SO excited for handmade precious gifts!

the birthday girl, whose life would forever change in ONE week...but I was happy as ever in this picture having NO clue what would take place just around the corner.

can't you put her in a BURQA!?!!?!

These were the words of a girl who was desperate to see me in Afghanistan. She was the daughter of a worker that we employed for some time in the past. A wonderful family who lives in a pretty conservative part of the capital city. Her life is lived behind a blue burqa that hides her comings and her goings...everyday, everywhere. Bringing a foreigner to her house would be dangerous for her and her family. So when she found out that I was in the same city again as her, when I visited last fall, she flipped out and begged her father to disguise me in a burqa just so I could visit and see her. Her father, like a second father to me, sadly denied and said that it was too dangerous for them.

But this would not hold her back. The night before I was to leave...she called me on my cell phone. At first with the flurry of excitement from her, I didn't recognize her. As she calmed down...I could hear her voice. OH so excited that she even got to talk to me and full of apologies that they couldn't bring me over to their house and prepare the most wonderful meal for me. I was actually glad to not be brought over, never wanting to put my local friends and family at risk.

So as we chatted, I just smiled. I pictured her in her world of which I have been able to visit in much earlier, safer years. Her world, her house, her yard. I prayed that somehow just knowing me that she would sense a window open up to another world. Making her world a bit bigger than the yard her physical body was held captive to most often.

One day, I'll go back...and get to see her giddy happiness not only to talk to me, but see each other in person. Just even thinking about that makes me smile.

Why...

                          hanging out with a friends niece in afghanistan.

"Why this road, why this way, and this load? Tell me how far must I go before I see, before I know why. From here I cannot see why you choose this path for me. But I don't have to understand to believe that YOU know why." (Why This Road, Ginny Owens)

...this road? I have discovered a new favorite song. It seems to say all the things that this heart doesn't always know how to convey. The greatness of God in the midst of the small parts of the picture that we often struggle with. Have you ever experienced parts or a whole song that seems to just express what you can and cannot even begin to articulate. This is one of them for me.

I had an appointment with a doctor today. And even though it went better than I thought, there was something that she said that made my heart twinge. She wondered if my ovaries had made one 'last' triumphant effort to wake up, but it seems like I'm back in menopause. Facts are facts. I know that she is not God but a doctor, and a great one at that. And things can change in an instant again. But for this moment, I think of that and grieve a bit for what I might never get to have...my own child.

So yes, I do ask Him...why this road, why this way, why this load? And I know in perfect time...He'll answer and I'll understand. I'm so glad that He can handle those questions and I can honestly ask them. In the meantime, I'm all the more grateful for the many kids that have graced my life over all these years. Whether it's been in a hospital or in the deserts of Afghanistan...I've love being loved on by them. They have brought joy to my life wherever I've lived!

Life Map

a labyrinth of shops that i used to be afraid of traveling through, until i found a storekeeper that helped me find what i needed. it seems like i've made my way back to that little shop in afghanistan hundreds of times since then.

It's Saturday night and I'm delaying doing the inevitable. I'm procrastinating doing my homework. I just joined a small group with a church that I am now attending in Chico. They just started meeting last weekend. They came with 'life maps' in hand...displaying their life up until now. Thus, helping us all get to know each other better. So, since I'm back in town this week...I'll join them as we continue to learn more about each other.

So, what's the big deal you might ask? Well, putting my life on paper...let alone ONE piece of paper seems almost daunting. How in the world can I sum my life up on a map. This thought takes me back to Afghanistan when I was packing to return to the States after my visit this fall. I then asked, how to you pack a lifetime of memories in a suitcase?

What would your life look like if you had to draw it out on ONE paper? Would it take the shape of a puzzle, a board game, a word map, a mosaic,...?

In some ways, my life as seemed more like a board game, full of many detours and passes I'd never would never purposefully taken or even dared imagined. So maybe this is the underlying hesitation in writing a book...where to start, what to say, how to begin. And in this case, what to draw. :)

One thing I am absolutely sure about...I'm glad that many of you have been part of that adventure, whatever it looks like.

A Chapter...

A street vendor, our grocery store!, with a common smile. Welcome to my world here!

...of memories. It's nearing 1 am here and the early hours of the night still find me awake. My bags are packed to travel, I've visited all and more that I had hoped to see in this short time, and tried to soak up every memory and minute that I could. As a friend who hosted me was helping me pack my 2 suitcases to return to the states, I said to her...'how do you pack up a lifetime of memories?'. I had taken 5 crates of my life here and narrowed it down to one crate which I would leave with a local family here in the hope of my return next fall. The rest I gave to a new family joining our team and a few things I wanted to have with me to the States. I am bringing some things back that remind me of these people and this place that I would want with me in the event of people evacuating, because of deteriorating security, from here and not being able then to return; a carpet, a few books, gifts, and so the list goes.
Common scenes on the street. Everyone needs a hand to hold through life!


One of our faithful workers for the last 6 years...as always, with a smile and a heart of gold.

I am packing as if I won't be able to return...but hoping that I will. Wondering where the next fall will find me...and also hoping that I live to see next fall as well. Here's to clear scans!! But over all...grateful that I made it to today to see this place and it's people once again. Life if full of uncertainties, isn't it?! I am more uncertain about the future and what next fall will bring than ever before. Although my heart has peace that it has been searching for this past year. I do not know what tomorrow brings or understand the mysteries of the past...but I am grateful for where He has brought me, what I have learned and being able to experience and to just be able to enjoy today.

Today, to sit with my drivers family as we sip tea in the evening light. Smile and laugh together as we all try to capture this moment to store it in our minds until we meet up again. Today, to sit with teammates up from the South that I didn't think I would get to see. And an unexpected conversation with a local coworker from years ago whom I worked with in a village before militants soon overtook. And a fireside chat with a friend of mine that walked with me to the entrance to the Valley of this last season as I headed off from here to Dubai for surgery.

So as I head off to the States with 2 suitcases to my name and one crate here...I feel rich. Rich in all that God has graced me to experience and remember. I do not know what the future brings...but I am so glad for the past that I have been able to be a part of here. If memories could instantly create a book...what a book it would be. Face, conversations, the place and friendships etched in my mind...forever.


Visiting a good friend in the Ancient City whom I've known for years here!

a meeting with good friends that got me through years gone by AND that last week before officially being diagnosed. I hear that crisis' do not make friends...they just reveal them. How true that's been for me.

F A M I L Y

I'd like you to meet my family. A family that is really like a family to me. The husband drives me around in his beat up taxi. The young brothers I taught English from primary readers. The wife and daughter, who would often hail me from the street to come and read them stories, I met almost 6 years ago when they were gathering water at a local well. Over the years they are the ones that have looked out for me, who have welcomed me over and over into their home. And the father is the one who has since become my protector. As I exit his taxi to stand at a gate, he stands between me and the street...a barrier in case anyone would want to hurt me. He calls me when I'm sick to make sure I am taking my vitamins and asks in the morning if I went to bed on time.
                                A meal prepared for a princess...

This is the family that I spent the evening with last night. After dinner we all sat together buried in blankets, to guard from the cold, with silhouettes cast behind us by the gas lamp lighting the room. For hours we shared stories. Stories about my sisters wedding and stories about the miracle of our health. And we laughed together as families do. We soon turned in for bed, on our small cushions on the floor, and I drifted off to sleep staring at the smiling 'little girl' turned 11 years old who seemed all grown up in the land of girls who marry so young. How happy she was that her 'sister' could 'spend the night' with her.

And ordinary night...and extraordinary time.

So where have you been?

I rounded the labyrinth like bazar and finally found his tiny store door hidden by cloth. It appeared to be locked but as we knocked...there he appeared. We greeted with a flurry of sentences in the local language piled on top of each other and then proceeded into his seemingly 2 sq. foot store. The store owner looked at me to proceed to ask me what I was looking for and then took another long look before he said...'So, where have you been this year?"...and then smiled.

These reunions have been just as fun. People in the market, guards at houses, and people at the bank...all places that I didn't even have time to think about before I left. To them...I just disappeared. And returning...they have loads of questions about my year gone. Which has been equally as fun to share with them how "HE has healed me". To return after a diagnosis that I had...the dangerous kind of invasive cancer...is a large miracle to them.

Simple and Long...but Lovely

                  Hanging out with good friends in the Ancient City!!

I was finally able to board my plane and make my simple, yet long delayed, way back to the capital. My flight that was scheduled to fly out yesterday was cancelled due to a security threat which I later found out actually became real with botched suicide bombing, I hear. We departed my host home and ended up swapping drivers for a local driver so that our car would not be as noticeable as we made our way to a location with frequent security threats/attacks. I fully covered in my long black veil which draped over and engulfed me like a table cloth, leaving only my eyes visible. I have to admit that I was a bit relieved upon arriving at the airport gate.

My time went by slow as I seemed to have gotten quite sick during my last week here and I had less energy. But it was lovely to go house to house and meet up with some that I actually only remember meeting over email this past year through their letter of encouragement! So many good reunions and many stories told!                                 What a great reunion this was!!

I've always liked visiting this Ancient City as it seems like a different country with 24 hour power, hot water, and paved streets with trees and abundance of great veggies. What a beautiful place! Or maybe it's also because I didn't have to 'work' when I visited...just rest and visit. :)

So it's back to Kabul. One week left...it's hard to imagine several already flying by. Oh, so thankful for this gift of a trip. Tonight...shower night. And tomorrow evening will be spent with my drivers family...my second family here!

The Ancient City

Today found me stepping onto a domestic plane to take a trip to what we call here...'The Ancient City'. A city found along the Ancient Great Silk Road trading route dating back to the years of Alexander The Great. Centuries have passed, new buildings, power, and evidence of modernization are found everywhere...but behind it all lay a people that have changed little over the centuries. An ancient Persian culture that through the times have endured...for better or for worse.
At a local shop wearing a veil here called a chadar namaz (prayer veil). It hides one well! :)

Stronger Still

It was a day like most other days. Although yesterday we were able to meet together as a community of believers. Days like these are far and few between as security continues to deteriorate throughout the nation. As I sat there, our meeting begins with a brief description on how we would evacuate the building in case of planned attack on the fellowship. I've been in many a meeting before when this has been detailed out at the beginning of the service. This time felt different. Since the fellowship has last met together, one worker in the community was shot and killed and subsequently a whole agency has indefinitely left the country.

But yesterday, it was a celebration to meet together. To not let fear guide our hearts, but to let His love fill them. I wish that I could somehow describe the feeling in room as we met. Although my words lack the ability to capture it's true sense. And I would hate to try and miss the mark. So suffice it to say that our meeting was sacred. Hearts lifted as we joined together and were mutually encouraged by His Word and Spirit. There is something about relationships forged in the trenches of life, brought forth by the Spirit, and strengthened through sufferings.

And as they asked those to come forward who were new or had returned after a long while out,... I jumped at the opportunity and was finally able to stand and thank this group of saints that have lifted me up this last year through their countless prayers and emails. These are the group of people whose faces I have longed to see once again. Face to face. Standing at the front...I was overwhelmed by their clapping and big smiles. Bursting forth...as if to remind the enemy, and myself, that God is stronger still. That death does not have the final victory. And that the battle, really, has already been won. I pray that these simple, yet powerful truths, would continue to ring out brightly during a dark season here.

Yes, He is stronger still.

Invaluable friendships

As the days have gone by, my hours recently have been filled with endless board meetings...though today represents the last of these and I am soon able to visit locals and expats alike. The reunions will resume! Upon arriving into town...my 'new temporary' phone received a text. By who? A girl whom I used to meet with regularly to pr and talk about His word as we tried to apply it to our lives in such a way that He shined through in even the smallest of ways. It is good and invaluable to have a friend to connect with here, someone that you can be totally transparent with, a friend to hold you up when you are having a hard time standing up in what you know to be true. During several years here, I was blessed to have her walk with me. We shared many a meal, endless cups of tea, and burned countless candles as we talked late into the 'power-less' nights.

She is one of the many that I have come to see. One of the countless who have prayed for my recovery,... for my very life to be sustained.

I love a quote that I've recently heard: The results of one good-hearted person is incalculable. (O.A.)

Yes, the results of not only her prayers and walk with me...but that of countless others here is truly incalculable. I am truly grateful for each of these people.
Enjoying my favorite home-made breakfast in her backyard. What a perfect day that was!

A Grand Miracle

A Grand Miracle

As we flew into Kabul, the sights appeared to me as if I had never left. A wide dusty valley expanse filled with millions of clay and mud homes, cozied in on all sides by majestic mountains. Although before we even boarded the plane in Dubai, I was keenly aware that the land that I was about to enter had changed much. Our plane was filled with local men and much less foreigners than usual. Once we landed, the usual bustle of people in and around the airport was strangely quiet. As I departed the airport property and headed towards the taxi lot, to meet my own taxi driver from years gone by, I was shocked to see the amount of men sitting around just staring at me as I walked by. I kept my head down, hoping that my own taxi driver would somehow recognize me through all of my layers of coverings.

And...he did. :)

One minute he was not besides me...the next minute he was. Head down, voice quiet, hands clasped traditionally behind his back...he softly greeted me while never looking my way. I had to refrain myself from turning in absolute glee to greet him. These are different times and I in no way wanted to compromise his safety by showing the whole world of taxi's waiting that he knew this foreigner. So we walked with few words until we arrived at his car. Once inside his car, and out of site from the rest of the taxi driver population, our conversation hardly rested until I arrived at my destination.

I had finally arrived. Finally. It had been a long year, one full of memories as I often thought of this place and it's people. And wonderings of how my afghan friends and family were doing.

Yesterday, I was invited to join this taxi drivers family for lunch. They have been and are like my own family here. I have known the kids since they were little as I used to live across the path from them. It was wonderful to see them, enjoy a meal together, while being ever-so-thankful to God who is stronger than any cancer diagnosis. Six hours later, I left their house to return another day. And so it has been the last several days. Reunion upon reunion with many locals that thought that I was leaving to die. Faces that show the love of dear friends reunited after a year of uncertainties for us all. And now to return, well and healthy is just a miracle.

Or as one local put it...not just a miracle, but a Grand Miracle.

"Z" looking at pictures from my sisters wedding

A picture of Z and me :) (it is cultural for her not to smile in pictures.  Her smiles in real life are bright and beautiful!)

At sunset...beautiful!

Living

"I will not die but live, and proclaim what the Lord has done" (Psalm 118:17)

That verse was the verse I saw every time I turned my phone off or on the last 4 years or so when I was in Afghanistan. Tonight, someone prayed that a prayer of praise over me. I did not die, I lived...and will proclaim what He has done. He has brought life to me, literally brought me back to this sacred life. Not the life where you rush around...but the life where life is sacred. People who are more precious.  Coversations a little bit more important. Colors a little bit more bright. Why does it often take a brush with death to bring us to that point?

As I head out to Kabul tomorrow...the sentence that goes through my mind, is that I feel covered. Tonight, over 45 people prayed for me. Different groups in different settings. A group from my sending agency came through and offered to pray for me as I go on my way tomorrow and I gladly accepted. How encouraging to stand with my brothers and sisters in faith and know that as we pray...mountains were being moved.

So even though it seems like there couldn't be a worse time yet to visit Kabul, events which sadden my heart,...I believe that somehow God knows this. And He who orchestrated each of my divine appointments so far this year, will continue to do so.

And along the way, I'll proclaim what He has done...while seeing who He's set out for me to see.

A surgeon and a little boy

Yesterday I had the privilege to visit my old surgeon, Dr. Debra. She happened to have just returned from a break and was happy to receive my visit as she grabbed my hand and wisked me back to her office. As I passed through the halls, I heard the same rush of voices whisper my name as last year when I seemed to make daily trips to the clinic. All so kind, greeting me with their smiles and waves. It was surreal to sit with Dr. Debra, a year later to the day (didn't plan that either!),...and sobering to hear her say how very concerned she was of me and how aggressive my cancer was. The events leading up to surgery, leaving A land, and then onto America appear as one big blur of events in my mind. So being here to just remember, without all the trauma, has been good to help me process this chapter in my life.

So ...today I decided to go to a nearby mall (which, of course is where you spend time in the land of 44 malls) that we would often visit on our quick transit breaks out of A land through Dubai. I entered the mall and made my way to the Starbucks with magazine in hand.

As I sat there with my iced, decaf latte...memories again (my recent hobby - remembering) flooded through my head of my teammates who I met at the mall after I was diagnosed. I sat in Starbucks, while my situation was explained to the part of my team that happened to be in Dubai the same time I was here last year. Soon, I would see a small caravan of westerners (my teammates) lead by 2 small children arrive. I still remember their faces filled with compassion as they formed a quiet half circle around me in a bustling Starbucks in a mall filled with thousands of people. Thousands of people doing thousands of things. But for those of us in that quiet circle...life had seemingly stopped. As soon as they walked up to me, the second oldest child came up to me and without hesitating threw his arms around to hug me as tears streamed down his face.

He said..'you'll be ok, stacy. you'll be ok.' And with all my heart I wanted to believe that little voice.

And Lars, you were right...I am ok. Thanks for your prayers lil' one.

Praise be to God, Great things He has done.

Sorrow and Joy

I arrived into Dubai, United Arab Emirates at my home stay house just past midnight on October 21st, 2008 ....today. Today marking the day I'll not forget exactly one year ago; flying into Dubai to later be diagnosed with invasive breast cancer. Ironically during breast cancer awareness month. As I found my room and set my things down, I was drawn out into the silent, dark hallways and rooms that last year held so much sorrow, grief and pain. All I could do was stand...and remember. And as I stood there, my heart was full of gratitude. Of memories of people that literally put their life on hold to help me in every way; sit with me as i just cried, sent myriad's of emails to hundreds and hundreds of people, stayed and sang as I received chemo, waited in countless clinic and hospital waiting rooms for me, and had hope when I was a bit hopeless. The list is endless. From one year to the next...A paradox. I've heard that from other cancer survivors...life is a paradox. It is so much easier to see that now. The one thing that causes one immense sorrow one day...can offer joy from a different perspective a bit later. So, even though there is so much I do not understand in life...I am grateful for the things that I can understand a bit better a year out. Maybe one day I'll not have to wait that long to see the fullness of that joy.

As I walked into my room early this morning, I saw this sign on the mirror...welcoming me back home. It's funny...because now home isn't so much a place of location (although I can't honestly say I'm 'there' yet). It is a state of being. Yes, it is true there are places that feel more like home to me (aka. kabul)...but there is also a state of being that God is teaching me more about that allow me to feel at home even when I am not around those familiar things. There is so much deeper meanings of that last sentence that I am continuing to understand that are impossible to write in this small space. And I suspect that this is a life long road. And that is what I hope to be on; a road that continues to teach me to embrace both sides of that paradox above however long my life may be.

I leave you with a quote that I heard in a movie on the plane flying over. It is pretty thought provoking...and true, I believe. "Pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf world" - C.S. Lewis. I know at least for me...I listen more closely now than I did before.

A Year Full Circle

It is just crossed over into the wee morning hours of October 20th, 2008....the day before I flew out of Afghanistan last year, into Dubai, to then walk into the American Hospital of Dubai. Never to leave the same. During the next 8 months of surgeries and intensive treatment that followed I spent hours thinking over the events, people, conversations, fears and prayers of those specific days and weeks in Dubai and Afghanistan when this all started. And here I am...almost one full year later. In September, Lisa and I celebrated our 36th birthday (I KNOW we are getting old...which I'm happy about now!). Last year, I was diagnosed with cancer right after our 35th birthday. In many ways, it seems like a year has disappeared in a flurry and blur of endless treatments, scans, tears, and joys. I remember thinking a million times...'this can't be happening. I have cancer.' Once a cancer nurse...then a cancer patient...and now a cancer survivor. I never thought that the 'stories'(cancer kids) that I took care of all those years could end up being my own story one day. But returning back to Dubai, this week, and then into A Land....it really seems more like a year coming full circle. I'm heading back in, albeit for a visit this time, a very different person than I left. My spirit is that much more awake in me, my heart all that more sensitive from all that I've seen and experienced. And even though I'm still recovering, I feel more rested than I have felt in 11 years of ministry/work.

On the flight over, I watched the movie Shadowlands, a movie documenting CS Lewis' meeting and marriage to his wife Joy. As his wife was diagnosed with cancer soon after their meeting/marriage...Lewis struggles with his faith, as pain and suffering become cruel but good teachers to him. He learns. And God has uses what seems like cruel twist of fate in my life... to teach me, a girl who was a bit set in her ways,....much. And I can honestly say that I believe that His glory, His love through these trails has somehow shined. And even though I don't claim to know the mysteries of God...I do know this, He is good even when circumstances point to the exact opposite truth.

So my schedule for those interested: I will arrive into Dubai, United Arab Emirates on October 20th late at night. I'll leave for A Land on the 26th of October and remain until the 18th of November. As you remember me, pray for a heart to just hear God and eyes to see Him work. That is my desire. I feel like this trip is a gift to me, every moment, every conversation.

I hope to also keep you all up to day on my travels here if you would like to follow them. Enjoy. I will update as much as I can.

much love,
stacy
several of the 'many' that supported me during that diagnosis week

one of the numerous visits to the cancer infusion center

with holly, who was there that diagnosis day, in oklahoma celebrating the end of radiation