A Chapter...

A street vendor, our grocery store!, with a common smile. Welcome to my world here!

...of memories. It's nearing 1 am here and the early hours of the night still find me awake. My bags are packed to travel, I've visited all and more that I had hoped to see in this short time, and tried to soak up every memory and minute that I could. As a friend who hosted me was helping me pack my 2 suitcases to return to the states, I said to her...'how do you pack up a lifetime of memories?'. I had taken 5 crates of my life here and narrowed it down to one crate which I would leave with a local family here in the hope of my return next fall. The rest I gave to a new family joining our team and a few things I wanted to have with me to the States. I am bringing some things back that remind me of these people and this place that I would want with me in the event of people evacuating, because of deteriorating security, from here and not being able then to return; a carpet, a few books, gifts, and so the list goes.
Common scenes on the street. Everyone needs a hand to hold through life!


One of our faithful workers for the last 6 years...as always, with a smile and a heart of gold.

I am packing as if I won't be able to return...but hoping that I will. Wondering where the next fall will find me...and also hoping that I live to see next fall as well. Here's to clear scans!! But over all...grateful that I made it to today to see this place and it's people once again. Life if full of uncertainties, isn't it?! I am more uncertain about the future and what next fall will bring than ever before. Although my heart has peace that it has been searching for this past year. I do not know what tomorrow brings or understand the mysteries of the past...but I am grateful for where He has brought me, what I have learned and being able to experience and to just be able to enjoy today.

Today, to sit with my drivers family as we sip tea in the evening light. Smile and laugh together as we all try to capture this moment to store it in our minds until we meet up again. Today, to sit with teammates up from the South that I didn't think I would get to see. And an unexpected conversation with a local coworker from years ago whom I worked with in a village before militants soon overtook. And a fireside chat with a friend of mine that walked with me to the entrance to the Valley of this last season as I headed off from here to Dubai for surgery.

So as I head off to the States with 2 suitcases to my name and one crate here...I feel rich. Rich in all that God has graced me to experience and remember. I do not know what the future brings...but I am so glad for the past that I have been able to be a part of here. If memories could instantly create a book...what a book it would be. Face, conversations, the place and friendships etched in my mind...forever.


Visiting a good friend in the Ancient City whom I've known for years here!

a meeting with good friends that got me through years gone by AND that last week before officially being diagnosed. I hear that crisis' do not make friends...they just reveal them. How true that's been for me.

F A M I L Y

I'd like you to meet my family. A family that is really like a family to me. The husband drives me around in his beat up taxi. The young brothers I taught English from primary readers. The wife and daughter, who would often hail me from the street to come and read them stories, I met almost 6 years ago when they were gathering water at a local well. Over the years they are the ones that have looked out for me, who have welcomed me over and over into their home. And the father is the one who has since become my protector. As I exit his taxi to stand at a gate, he stands between me and the street...a barrier in case anyone would want to hurt me. He calls me when I'm sick to make sure I am taking my vitamins and asks in the morning if I went to bed on time.
                                A meal prepared for a princess...

This is the family that I spent the evening with last night. After dinner we all sat together buried in blankets, to guard from the cold, with silhouettes cast behind us by the gas lamp lighting the room. For hours we shared stories. Stories about my sisters wedding and stories about the miracle of our health. And we laughed together as families do. We soon turned in for bed, on our small cushions on the floor, and I drifted off to sleep staring at the smiling 'little girl' turned 11 years old who seemed all grown up in the land of girls who marry so young. How happy she was that her 'sister' could 'spend the night' with her.

And ordinary night...and extraordinary time.

So where have you been?

I rounded the labyrinth like bazar and finally found his tiny store door hidden by cloth. It appeared to be locked but as we knocked...there he appeared. We greeted with a flurry of sentences in the local language piled on top of each other and then proceeded into his seemingly 2 sq. foot store. The store owner looked at me to proceed to ask me what I was looking for and then took another long look before he said...'So, where have you been this year?"...and then smiled.

These reunions have been just as fun. People in the market, guards at houses, and people at the bank...all places that I didn't even have time to think about before I left. To them...I just disappeared. And returning...they have loads of questions about my year gone. Which has been equally as fun to share with them how "HE has healed me". To return after a diagnosis that I had...the dangerous kind of invasive cancer...is a large miracle to them.

Simple and Long...but Lovely

                  Hanging out with good friends in the Ancient City!!

I was finally able to board my plane and make my simple, yet long delayed, way back to the capital. My flight that was scheduled to fly out yesterday was cancelled due to a security threat which I later found out actually became real with botched suicide bombing, I hear. We departed my host home and ended up swapping drivers for a local driver so that our car would not be as noticeable as we made our way to a location with frequent security threats/attacks. I fully covered in my long black veil which draped over and engulfed me like a table cloth, leaving only my eyes visible. I have to admit that I was a bit relieved upon arriving at the airport gate.

My time went by slow as I seemed to have gotten quite sick during my last week here and I had less energy. But it was lovely to go house to house and meet up with some that I actually only remember meeting over email this past year through their letter of encouragement! So many good reunions and many stories told!                                 What a great reunion this was!!

I've always liked visiting this Ancient City as it seems like a different country with 24 hour power, hot water, and paved streets with trees and abundance of great veggies. What a beautiful place! Or maybe it's also because I didn't have to 'work' when I visited...just rest and visit. :)

So it's back to Kabul. One week left...it's hard to imagine several already flying by. Oh, so thankful for this gift of a trip. Tonight...shower night. And tomorrow evening will be spent with my drivers family...my second family here!

The Ancient City

Today found me stepping onto a domestic plane to take a trip to what we call here...'The Ancient City'. A city found along the Ancient Great Silk Road trading route dating back to the years of Alexander The Great. Centuries have passed, new buildings, power, and evidence of modernization are found everywhere...but behind it all lay a people that have changed little over the centuries. An ancient Persian culture that through the times have endured...for better or for worse.
At a local shop wearing a veil here called a chadar namaz (prayer veil). It hides one well! :)

Stronger Still

It was a day like most other days. Although yesterday we were able to meet together as a community of believers. Days like these are far and few between as security continues to deteriorate throughout the nation. As I sat there, our meeting begins with a brief description on how we would evacuate the building in case of planned attack on the fellowship. I've been in many a meeting before when this has been detailed out at the beginning of the service. This time felt different. Since the fellowship has last met together, one worker in the community was shot and killed and subsequently a whole agency has indefinitely left the country.

But yesterday, it was a celebration to meet together. To not let fear guide our hearts, but to let His love fill them. I wish that I could somehow describe the feeling in room as we met. Although my words lack the ability to capture it's true sense. And I would hate to try and miss the mark. So suffice it to say that our meeting was sacred. Hearts lifted as we joined together and were mutually encouraged by His Word and Spirit. There is something about relationships forged in the trenches of life, brought forth by the Spirit, and strengthened through sufferings.

And as they asked those to come forward who were new or had returned after a long while out,... I jumped at the opportunity and was finally able to stand and thank this group of saints that have lifted me up this last year through their countless prayers and emails. These are the group of people whose faces I have longed to see once again. Face to face. Standing at the front...I was overwhelmed by their clapping and big smiles. Bursting forth...as if to remind the enemy, and myself, that God is stronger still. That death does not have the final victory. And that the battle, really, has already been won. I pray that these simple, yet powerful truths, would continue to ring out brightly during a dark season here.

Yes, He is stronger still.

Invaluable friendships

As the days have gone by, my hours recently have been filled with endless board meetings...though today represents the last of these and I am soon able to visit locals and expats alike. The reunions will resume! Upon arriving into town...my 'new temporary' phone received a text. By who? A girl whom I used to meet with regularly to pr and talk about His word as we tried to apply it to our lives in such a way that He shined through in even the smallest of ways. It is good and invaluable to have a friend to connect with here, someone that you can be totally transparent with, a friend to hold you up when you are having a hard time standing up in what you know to be true. During several years here, I was blessed to have her walk with me. We shared many a meal, endless cups of tea, and burned countless candles as we talked late into the 'power-less' nights.

She is one of the many that I have come to see. One of the countless who have prayed for my recovery,... for my very life to be sustained.

I love a quote that I've recently heard: The results of one good-hearted person is incalculable. (O.A.)

Yes, the results of not only her prayers and walk with me...but that of countless others here is truly incalculable. I am truly grateful for each of these people.
Enjoying my favorite home-made breakfast in her backyard. What a perfect day that was!

A Grand Miracle

A Grand Miracle

As we flew into Kabul, the sights appeared to me as if I had never left. A wide dusty valley expanse filled with millions of clay and mud homes, cozied in on all sides by majestic mountains. Although before we even boarded the plane in Dubai, I was keenly aware that the land that I was about to enter had changed much. Our plane was filled with local men and much less foreigners than usual. Once we landed, the usual bustle of people in and around the airport was strangely quiet. As I departed the airport property and headed towards the taxi lot, to meet my own taxi driver from years gone by, I was shocked to see the amount of men sitting around just staring at me as I walked by. I kept my head down, hoping that my own taxi driver would somehow recognize me through all of my layers of coverings.

And...he did. :)

One minute he was not besides me...the next minute he was. Head down, voice quiet, hands clasped traditionally behind his back...he softly greeted me while never looking my way. I had to refrain myself from turning in absolute glee to greet him. These are different times and I in no way wanted to compromise his safety by showing the whole world of taxi's waiting that he knew this foreigner. So we walked with few words until we arrived at his car. Once inside his car, and out of site from the rest of the taxi driver population, our conversation hardly rested until I arrived at my destination.

I had finally arrived. Finally. It had been a long year, one full of memories as I often thought of this place and it's people. And wonderings of how my afghan friends and family were doing.

Yesterday, I was invited to join this taxi drivers family for lunch. They have been and are like my own family here. I have known the kids since they were little as I used to live across the path from them. It was wonderful to see them, enjoy a meal together, while being ever-so-thankful to God who is stronger than any cancer diagnosis. Six hours later, I left their house to return another day. And so it has been the last several days. Reunion upon reunion with many locals that thought that I was leaving to die. Faces that show the love of dear friends reunited after a year of uncertainties for us all. And now to return, well and healthy is just a miracle.

Or as one local put it...not just a miracle, but a Grand Miracle.

"Z" looking at pictures from my sisters wedding

A picture of Z and me :) (it is cultural for her not to smile in pictures.  Her smiles in real life are bright and beautiful!)

At sunset...beautiful!

Living

"I will not die but live, and proclaim what the Lord has done" (Psalm 118:17)

That verse was the verse I saw every time I turned my phone off or on the last 4 years or so when I was in Afghanistan. Tonight, someone prayed that a prayer of praise over me. I did not die, I lived...and will proclaim what He has done. He has brought life to me, literally brought me back to this sacred life. Not the life where you rush around...but the life where life is sacred. People who are more precious.  Coversations a little bit more important. Colors a little bit more bright. Why does it often take a brush with death to bring us to that point?

As I head out to Kabul tomorrow...the sentence that goes through my mind, is that I feel covered. Tonight, over 45 people prayed for me. Different groups in different settings. A group from my sending agency came through and offered to pray for me as I go on my way tomorrow and I gladly accepted. How encouraging to stand with my brothers and sisters in faith and know that as we pray...mountains were being moved.

So even though it seems like there couldn't be a worse time yet to visit Kabul, events which sadden my heart,...I believe that somehow God knows this. And He who orchestrated each of my divine appointments so far this year, will continue to do so.

And along the way, I'll proclaim what He has done...while seeing who He's set out for me to see.

A surgeon and a little boy

Yesterday I had the privilege to visit my old surgeon, Dr. Debra. She happened to have just returned from a break and was happy to receive my visit as she grabbed my hand and wisked me back to her office. As I passed through the halls, I heard the same rush of voices whisper my name as last year when I seemed to make daily trips to the clinic. All so kind, greeting me with their smiles and waves. It was surreal to sit with Dr. Debra, a year later to the day (didn't plan that either!),...and sobering to hear her say how very concerned she was of me and how aggressive my cancer was. The events leading up to surgery, leaving A land, and then onto America appear as one big blur of events in my mind. So being here to just remember, without all the trauma, has been good to help me process this chapter in my life.

So ...today I decided to go to a nearby mall (which, of course is where you spend time in the land of 44 malls) that we would often visit on our quick transit breaks out of A land through Dubai. I entered the mall and made my way to the Starbucks with magazine in hand.

As I sat there with my iced, decaf latte...memories again (my recent hobby - remembering) flooded through my head of my teammates who I met at the mall after I was diagnosed. I sat in Starbucks, while my situation was explained to the part of my team that happened to be in Dubai the same time I was here last year. Soon, I would see a small caravan of westerners (my teammates) lead by 2 small children arrive. I still remember their faces filled with compassion as they formed a quiet half circle around me in a bustling Starbucks in a mall filled with thousands of people. Thousands of people doing thousands of things. But for those of us in that quiet circle...life had seemingly stopped. As soon as they walked up to me, the second oldest child came up to me and without hesitating threw his arms around to hug me as tears streamed down his face.

He said..'you'll be ok, stacy. you'll be ok.' And with all my heart I wanted to believe that little voice.

And Lars, you were right...I am ok. Thanks for your prayers lil' one.

Praise be to God, Great things He has done.

Sorrow and Joy

I arrived into Dubai, United Arab Emirates at my home stay house just past midnight on October 21st, 2008 ....today. Today marking the day I'll not forget exactly one year ago; flying into Dubai to later be diagnosed with invasive breast cancer. Ironically during breast cancer awareness month. As I found my room and set my things down, I was drawn out into the silent, dark hallways and rooms that last year held so much sorrow, grief and pain. All I could do was stand...and remember. And as I stood there, my heart was full of gratitude. Of memories of people that literally put their life on hold to help me in every way; sit with me as i just cried, sent myriad's of emails to hundreds and hundreds of people, stayed and sang as I received chemo, waited in countless clinic and hospital waiting rooms for me, and had hope when I was a bit hopeless. The list is endless. From one year to the next...A paradox. I've heard that from other cancer survivors...life is a paradox. It is so much easier to see that now. The one thing that causes one immense sorrow one day...can offer joy from a different perspective a bit later. So, even though there is so much I do not understand in life...I am grateful for the things that I can understand a bit better a year out. Maybe one day I'll not have to wait that long to see the fullness of that joy.

As I walked into my room early this morning, I saw this sign on the mirror...welcoming me back home. It's funny...because now home isn't so much a place of location (although I can't honestly say I'm 'there' yet). It is a state of being. Yes, it is true there are places that feel more like home to me (aka. kabul)...but there is also a state of being that God is teaching me more about that allow me to feel at home even when I am not around those familiar things. There is so much deeper meanings of that last sentence that I am continuing to understand that are impossible to write in this small space. And I suspect that this is a life long road. And that is what I hope to be on; a road that continues to teach me to embrace both sides of that paradox above however long my life may be.

I leave you with a quote that I heard in a movie on the plane flying over. It is pretty thought provoking...and true, I believe. "Pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf world" - C.S. Lewis. I know at least for me...I listen more closely now than I did before.

A Year Full Circle

It is just crossed over into the wee morning hours of October 20th, 2008....the day before I flew out of Afghanistan last year, into Dubai, to then walk into the American Hospital of Dubai. Never to leave the same. During the next 8 months of surgeries and intensive treatment that followed I spent hours thinking over the events, people, conversations, fears and prayers of those specific days and weeks in Dubai and Afghanistan when this all started. And here I am...almost one full year later. In September, Lisa and I celebrated our 36th birthday (I KNOW we are getting old...which I'm happy about now!). Last year, I was diagnosed with cancer right after our 35th birthday. In many ways, it seems like a year has disappeared in a flurry and blur of endless treatments, scans, tears, and joys. I remember thinking a million times...'this can't be happening. I have cancer.' Once a cancer nurse...then a cancer patient...and now a cancer survivor. I never thought that the 'stories'(cancer kids) that I took care of all those years could end up being my own story one day. But returning back to Dubai, this week, and then into A Land....it really seems more like a year coming full circle. I'm heading back in, albeit for a visit this time, a very different person than I left. My spirit is that much more awake in me, my heart all that more sensitive from all that I've seen and experienced. And even though I'm still recovering, I feel more rested than I have felt in 11 years of ministry/work.

On the flight over, I watched the movie Shadowlands, a movie documenting CS Lewis' meeting and marriage to his wife Joy. As his wife was diagnosed with cancer soon after their meeting/marriage...Lewis struggles with his faith, as pain and suffering become cruel but good teachers to him. He learns. And God has uses what seems like cruel twist of fate in my life... to teach me, a girl who was a bit set in her ways,....much. And I can honestly say that I believe that His glory, His love through these trails has somehow shined. And even though I don't claim to know the mysteries of God...I do know this, He is good even when circumstances point to the exact opposite truth.

So my schedule for those interested: I will arrive into Dubai, United Arab Emirates on October 20th late at night. I'll leave for A Land on the 26th of October and remain until the 18th of November. As you remember me, pray for a heart to just hear God and eyes to see Him work. That is my desire. I feel like this trip is a gift to me, every moment, every conversation.

I hope to also keep you all up to day on my travels here if you would like to follow them. Enjoy. I will update as much as I can.

much love,
stacy
several of the 'many' that supported me during that diagnosis week

one of the numerous visits to the cancer infusion center

with holly, who was there that diagnosis day, in oklahoma celebrating the end of radiation