proceeding with peace

It is almost 1 am and I am hardly sleeply at all. Granted I SHOULD be in bed...but my mind still spins. It's been almost a week and I CAN'T believe I didn't update you all sooner. To cut to the chase...my scan came back NEGATIVE for mets (metastasis)!!! Up until that day, February 16th, I was a bit of a wreck. Wondering if I was on the brink of hearing of another HUGE life change. Laying awake at night pondering...IF I had mets than how long would I have to live? Could I return back to Afghanistan? Lots of crazy thoughts went through my head as I felt as if I were on the edge of a cliff and I could just FEEL the breeze picking up and possibly throwing me over the edge... AGAIN!

I had never felt that anxious except before I was originally diagnosed. And I didn't plan to be side-swiped. So, I planned to expect the worst(cancer) but pray for the best(no cancer). I remember that fateful day I was diagnosed in 2007...and wondered if I could EVER catch my breath again and...live. I feel that just before this scan was ordered,...I was to that point, emotionally. I couldn't imagine being devastated again.

But my worst fears proved wrong. And I spent these weeks in anguish, really....for nothing. How I wish that I could live those weeks over again, letting God remind me and then remind me again that my worries can't change anything and only steal whatever moments I have left on this earth to live.

SO....now, with this scan down and no other scan in sight until August of this year I am looking forward to living. Living as if I never had cancer...well, almost. At least squeezing every bit of life out of each heartbeat :).

Thank you each for your prayers...I don't want to even imagine this life without your friendships. You continue to teach me much.

the 'W A I T' room

It's Friday evening and this morning found me on a cold, hard table being scanned for potential metastasis of cancer. When I think of thoughts like this, I feel like I'm thinking about someone else's life. It's still seems surreal to me sometimes.

Saturday and Sunday stands like a valley between now and the day I will be read the results of the scan Monday morning.

When I think of this...I am reminded of something someone said to me this last year. They said that even though I had cancer during my birthday/September in 2007 or earlier that fall...I didn't even know it. I was happy, enjoying life, thinking about new possible travels to another part of southern Afghanistan. I HAD CANCER...but didn't know it. Once I was diagnosed...everything changed, except for the fact that I STILL had cancer. Just my knowing changed, which then changed everything else.

I think this thought process helps me as I wait. Whatever I have, or do not have...I've had. Nothing will change over the weekend. Nothing changes as I wait, as I worry. So as I wait in this waiting room of this weekend, and really my whole life, I hope to enjoy the magazines, chat with new friends I meet there, and enjoy what IS instead of what COULD never be.
my birthday celebration with friends, right before i was diagnosed.

SO excited for handmade precious gifts!

the birthday girl, whose life would forever change in ONE week...but I was happy as ever in this picture having NO clue what would take place just around the corner.

can't you put her in a BURQA!?!!?!

These were the words of a girl who was desperate to see me in Afghanistan. She was the daughter of a worker that we employed for some time in the past. A wonderful family who lives in a pretty conservative part of the capital city. Her life is lived behind a blue burqa that hides her comings and her goings...everyday, everywhere. Bringing a foreigner to her house would be dangerous for her and her family. So when she found out that I was in the same city again as her, when I visited last fall, she flipped out and begged her father to disguise me in a burqa just so I could visit and see her. Her father, like a second father to me, sadly denied and said that it was too dangerous for them.

But this would not hold her back. The night before I was to leave...she called me on my cell phone. At first with the flurry of excitement from her, I didn't recognize her. As she calmed down...I could hear her voice. OH so excited that she even got to talk to me and full of apologies that they couldn't bring me over to their house and prepare the most wonderful meal for me. I was actually glad to not be brought over, never wanting to put my local friends and family at risk.

So as we chatted, I just smiled. I pictured her in her world of which I have been able to visit in much earlier, safer years. Her world, her house, her yard. I prayed that somehow just knowing me that she would sense a window open up to another world. Making her world a bit bigger than the yard her physical body was held captive to most often.

One day, I'll go back...and get to see her giddy happiness not only to talk to me, but see each other in person. Just even thinking about that makes me smile.

Why...

                          hanging out with a friends niece in afghanistan.

"Why this road, why this way, and this load? Tell me how far must I go before I see, before I know why. From here I cannot see why you choose this path for me. But I don't have to understand to believe that YOU know why." (Why This Road, Ginny Owens)

...this road? I have discovered a new favorite song. It seems to say all the things that this heart doesn't always know how to convey. The greatness of God in the midst of the small parts of the picture that we often struggle with. Have you ever experienced parts or a whole song that seems to just express what you can and cannot even begin to articulate. This is one of them for me.

I had an appointment with a doctor today. And even though it went better than I thought, there was something that she said that made my heart twinge. She wondered if my ovaries had made one 'last' triumphant effort to wake up, but it seems like I'm back in menopause. Facts are facts. I know that she is not God but a doctor, and a great one at that. And things can change in an instant again. But for this moment, I think of that and grieve a bit for what I might never get to have...my own child.

So yes, I do ask Him...why this road, why this way, why this load? And I know in perfect time...He'll answer and I'll understand. I'm so glad that He can handle those questions and I can honestly ask them. In the meantime, I'm all the more grateful for the many kids that have graced my life over all these years. Whether it's been in a hospital or in the deserts of Afghanistan...I've love being loved on by them. They have brought joy to my life wherever I've lived!

Life Map

a labyrinth of shops that i used to be afraid of traveling through, until i found a storekeeper that helped me find what i needed. it seems like i've made my way back to that little shop in afghanistan hundreds of times since then.

It's Saturday night and I'm delaying doing the inevitable. I'm procrastinating doing my homework. I just joined a small group with a church that I am now attending in Chico. They just started meeting last weekend. They came with 'life maps' in hand...displaying their life up until now. Thus, helping us all get to know each other better. So, since I'm back in town this week...I'll join them as we continue to learn more about each other.

So, what's the big deal you might ask? Well, putting my life on paper...let alone ONE piece of paper seems almost daunting. How in the world can I sum my life up on a map. This thought takes me back to Afghanistan when I was packing to return to the States after my visit this fall. I then asked, how to you pack a lifetime of memories in a suitcase?

What would your life look like if you had to draw it out on ONE paper? Would it take the shape of a puzzle, a board game, a word map, a mosaic,...?

In some ways, my life as seemed more like a board game, full of many detours and passes I'd never would never purposefully taken or even dared imagined. So maybe this is the underlying hesitation in writing a book...where to start, what to say, how to begin. And in this case, what to draw. :)

One thing I am absolutely sure about...I'm glad that many of you have been part of that adventure, whatever it looks like.